GREEN HELL

All Hell is not a lake of fire.  One large segment is
more like a luscious green jungle whose cup of life
overflows with  tigers, birds, fish, snails, beetles,
and other diverse bugs.

Here under the green canopy the Lord has set up a video
apparatus with fantastic 3-D, absolute right on color
and booming surround sound.  And who inhabits this
jungle and watches these super videos?  Why, it's those
creationist multitudes who, while on earth, refused to
listen to the evolutionists on any aspect of real life
biology and would not moderate one iota their
literalist views of Genesis 1.  So inflexible and
closed in their views that, in desperation, folks on
alt.christnet and talk.origins had to create threads
entitled "The Utter Futility of Arguing with
Creationists" and think thoughts so dark that even
Yahweh began to fear for their soul's salvation. 
You've heard of "Vanity of vanity," there in
Ecclesiastes.  But here we have "futility of futility."
Them creationists sure do stick to their guns.  
 
      Anyway, even Yahweh in his infinite patience grew
tired of the  die-hard creationists.  As soon as they
pass on to their reward, Yahweh grabs them and plunks
them down in the center of that  jungle in Hell.  Then,
He forces them to watch  videos of the snails
and beetles evolving into various new species.  The
hell of the whole thing is that the videos are run at
triple slow speed.  And Yahweh did not think to provide
Raid or Deep Woods Off.  Over the millennia those
creationists who died in their hardened ways, are forced
to note every thrilling aspect of the snails'
evolutionary development.  The Lord allows the
occasional snail race for a break, a change of routine.
For 50 million years, every day concludes with an
attentive reading of one of Stephen Jay Gould's essays
on punctuated equilibrium.(Thus, the Lord lets a little
of heaven's light shine down there.)  Then while
everyone in the jungle beds down for the night, the
latest creationist essay from CRI is read at hard rock
volume.  Finally, the years pass and the course
concludes with a dramatic video re Australopithecus'
evolution into our ancient ancestors.

But, since creationists are a bit slow catching onto
this momentous time of our history, Yahweh makes them
watch the Australopethicus segment in stop frame
motion.  This insures that the creationists eventually
do appreciate the naturalistic way in which Yahweh
operates = the way he used to create us chimps.  Then,
over their own protests, for most of creationists also
believe Hell is  eternal,  the Lord  carts the whole
chastened bunch off to heaven where they will cheer as
loudly as anyone for the Lords glorious, mysterious,
and merciful ways.  Thus, at last, all God's children
are in the eternal chicken coop.  Praise the Lord!